A Formula for Letting G-d In
By: Paula Levin
My feature in the Rosh Hashanah edition, called the Real Alchemists, was my first introduction to AA’s 12 Step programme and to addicts in recovery. It struck me that these were some of the most G-d-conscious humans I’ve ever met! Their lives, once unmanageable, chaotic, and destructive, were now sacred and productive; their days filled with meditation, prayer, humility and honest self-assessment. Each one attributed this way of being to the 12 Steps – and so I had to find out more. In Elul, I invited Lara B. (one of the subjects of the Real Alchemists) to share more about her journey with some ladies from my community. Lara’s sister also attended the talk and shared how she was now also applying the 12 Steps’ ‘daily inventory’ in a particular challenge she was struggling with, choosing to take responsibility in changing her behaviour.* Other members of our group shared that their family or friends in recovery seemed to have accessed a truly authentic relationship with G-d – and that they were jealous! I decided to dig even deeper and find out if the 12 Steps are “kosher” and how they might help all of us.
“Their lives, once unmanageable, chaotic, and destructive, were now sacred and productive.”
Addicts often begin their spiritual journey at rock bottom, their lives so dysfunctional that they are forced to search for a better way to live. The rest of us may be pushed into a similar corner by life circumstances, pain, tragedy or suffering (G-d forbid). At some point, whatever the reason, we all experience moments that demand we wake up from life’s slumber and ask, “Why are we here? What is life asking of us?” The 12 Steps can be a catalyst to finding those answers…
Benji F is an addict in recovery and is passionate about educating the community about the power of the 12 Step programme and its alignment with Torah concepts. He believes that addiction is not a disease unique to some, but rather is a part of the human condition, and that all of us, at some point in our lives, and sometimes every day, suffer sickness of the soul. “The Rambam explains that a symptom of sickness of the soul is to love evil and hate good,” Benji explains. “Since the sin of Adam and Eve – everyone is an addict, or at least has the potential to become one,” he says. The Ramban (Nachmanides) explains that when Adam and Eve ate from the Tree of Knowledge of Good and Evil, this awoke in them the concept of desire – a force different from instinct because they could now even desire things that are self-destructive. The Sforno (another commentator) explains further that this original sin changed our fundamental nature, so that we might continue to want things that are sweet even when they cause harm, and conversely, we might despise the very things that are good for us. “In recovery, I was taught that addiction is an ‘obsession of the mind and an allergy of the body’. The ‘obsession of the mind’ is that unexplainable desire that both the Ramban and the Sforno are alluding to, and an ‘allergy of the body’ is the things that taste sweet but cause us harm. I believe that there are many things in life that fit that description,” he says. “Any time we do the opposite of what G-d wants, this is a sickness of the soul,” says Benji. “No sane, rational person would choose to do anything to distance himself from G-d, which only harms us! That’s why the Gemara calls sin the result of a ‘ruach shtus’ – a spirit of folly, or insanity. Recovery then is regaining control over one’s behaviour and character,” he explains. In fact, Benji thinks the word “recovery” is a far better translation of the word teshuva (usually translated as repentance or return).
Guided by Lara B, Benji F, and Specialist Addiction Psychologist & Counsellor and director of Houghton House Dan Wolf – let’s dive into the 12 Steps.
1. We admitted we were powerless over [alcohol] — that our lives had become unmanageable.
To use this step in your own life, replace the word alcohol or substance with any character trait, fear, substance or behaviour causing conflict, anxiety or dysfunction in your life. For example, over the past year, I started vaping on occasion, and found myself continuously buying vapes, then giving or throwing them away. Then obsessing about when I could visit someone I knew who vapes, just so I could have a few puffs. Because I have asthma, I quickly saw its negative effect on my health, but I was unable to stop! I even found myself telling people, while vaping, that I don’t vape! When Lara B. had shared with us that she starts every day saying, “G-d I can’t, You can, please help,” I decided to ‘try this at home’. To admit we are not in control, that we don’t have the willpower is hard! Denial keeps us stuck. So the first step is to surrender our ego, to stop Edging G-d Out and admit we are powerless.
2. We came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.
3. Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of G-d as we understood Him.
Dan believes that the wording of steps 2 and 3, though vague, is critical for the success of the 12 Steps. “Many people come into recovery with a lot of trauma around religion. These steps allow them to let go of past misconceptions and start a new relationship,” he says. Benji believes that this third step, and specifically the words ‘as we understood him’, is the greatest contribution of the 12 Steps to all religions. “It allows anyone to develop an authentic, subjective relationship with G-d, moving beyond doctrine to a personal connection.”
Lara explains that the 12 Steps can be summarised into three sections: “Find G-d, Clean House, Help Others.” To find G-d, we need to evaluate our current ‘picture’ of who G-d is, and find a loving G-d. This is the only way to move to the next stage of recovery – to clean house. Without the feeling that G-d loves us unconditionally and forgives us, we are too afraid to really look at ourselves and will go back to denial and dysfunction. “We can’t clean out resentment, bitterness and victimhood with a dirty mop,” says Lara.
4. Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves.
Benji explains that when it comes to teshuva, actions are actually the easiest things to change, but we need to go further. “We need to look at the character traits that drive those actions and become better. The Mesilas Yesharim (Path of the Just) advises that every person must do a daily inventory of their actions, like a merchant counting his stock each day. This is called a Cheshbon Hanefesh – a spiritual accounting. He says that we should not leave our actions to the result of habits or entrenched character traits, but constantly analyse ourselves against our moral compass. This process is built into this next stage of the 12 Steps, which actually make no mention of substance abuse or alcohol.”
5. We admitted to G-d, to ourselves, and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs.
“We are always as sick as our secrets.”
There are many Jewish sources explaining how important it is to confess our shortcomings both to G-d (and not wait for Yom Kippur)! As it says in Pirkei Avot, “Repent one day before you die.” Admitting our failures to another human being is also critical for accountability. Pirkei Avot also enjoins us to both choose a mentor and acquire a friend. Dan explains that the 12 Steps is a programme as well as a culture, with meetings occupying an important role in the life of a recovering addict. He points out that for all of us, it is transformational to be completely honest about our shortcomings with another trusted human being. “When two people allow themselves to be completely vulnerable with each other, sharing their deepest shame, the Shechina is there,” he adds. “We are always as sick as our secrets.”
6. We were entirely ready to have G-d remove all these defects of character.
In my quest, I discovered something that every addict in recovery has learnt the hard way – that the very beginning of G-d consciousness is to surrender the ego – to quieten the noise of our own minds, obsessions, projections and desires (easier said than done!). This is what is known in the mystical teachings as “bittul”, translated as self-nullification – to allow ourselves to be dwarfed by the power of the Infinite. According to Chabad Chassidus, we each have two souls – the animating, animal soul that is tasked with keeping us alive through instincts of survival and self-interest – and the G-dly soul – which is a literal piece of G-d. Self-nullification is to allow the G-dly Soul to control our faculties of thought, speech, action – instead of allowing the animal within to run the show. In this step, we become aware of our own limitations and pray to G-d to do for us what we cannot achieve on our own.
Lara explains that this is not a free pass to expect G-d to fix all our problems and that we need to be careful of falling into bargaining, self-pity, bitterness, resentment and victimhood when G-d doesn’t answer our prayers. “Remember, G-d will only do for us what we cannot do for ourselves. What we can do, we must do!” This is stated in AA’s serenity prayer:
G-d, grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change,
the courage to change the things I can,
and the wisdom to know the difference.
The following steps all emphasise the power of admitting our wrongs, repairing what can be fixed and working towards accountability and ownership of our choices every single day. We can all learn from the 12 Steps not to wait till Elul and the High Holidays to choose closeness to G-d. Or as Socrates said, “The unexamined life is not worth living.” These steps also demonstrate the point that a relationship with G-d, or spiritual awakening is not just something intellectual or theoretical but needs to impact our relationships and behaviour – which are the ultimate barometer of our spiritual standing in life.
7. Humbly asked Him to remove our shortcomings.
8. Made a list of all persons we had harmed, and became willing to make amends to them all.
9. Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others.
10. Continued to take personal inventory and when we were wrong, promptly admitted it.
The next steps are probably why the 12 Steps inspire me so much. Lara B. described her average day as a constant conversation with G-d, asking for direction, strength and to carry out His will – to accept life “on life’s terms”. “As Pirkei Avot says, we need to make His will our will,” says Benji. Or as Rabbi YY Jacobson teaches, to be a channel for G-d, becoming an ambassador of love, light and healing to our fellow human beings.
11. Sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with G-d as we understood Him, praying only for knowledge of His will for us and the power to carry that out.
“Hashem fills the space that you empty.”
“Hashem fills the space that you empty,” Lara explains. “We often try to fill the space of pain and vulnerability with ego or outside affirmation, trying to control other people, judge them and act as if we’re G-d. The 12 Steps are learning how to let G-d in.”
12. Having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these steps, we tried to carry this message to alcoholics and to practise these principles in all our affairs.
Quoting Houghton House consultant Dr David Webb, Benji says, “Addiction is the gift of being able to face what it means to be a human being.” Exploring the 12 Steps, perhaps we all can embrace this gift – achieving awareness of our limitations and asking and allowing G-d to guide us to live G-dly lives – every single day.
