Starting the New Year on a blank slate is such a lovely thought \u2013 all our past misdeeds erased by the atonement of Yom Kippur. But did you know there\u2019s a teeny, tiny disclaimer in the fineprint? Hashem is willing to let bygones be bygones \u2013 at least, where He is concerned \u2013 but He doesn\u2019t speak for our fellow man. Those we have wronged, those who have wronged us \u2013 we have to do the hard work of repairing relationships ourselves, asking for and giving forgiveness \u2013 even if it wasn\u2019t requested! So, before we get all excited about this blank slate (what even is a slate?) let\u2019s wrap our heads around the commandment to love your fellow as yourself \u2013 \u201cve\u2019ahavta lere\u2019acha kamocha\u201d[1]<\/a><\/sup><\/sup> \u2013 and hopefully start the New Year with a whole new approach to Ahavas Yisrael.<\/p>\n The great sage Rabbi Akiva said this commandment is the great principle of the Torah, and Hillel went one step further. When asked by a potential convert to explain the Torah while he stood on one leg \u2013 Hillel said: \u201cDo not do unto your friend that which is hateful to you. That is the entire Torah; the rest is commentary. Now go and study.\u201d Like any loving parent, what makes Hashem happiest is to see His kinderlach getting along with each other. But this is a tall order because \u2013 well, people!<\/p>\n I don\u2019t know about you, but I can\u2019t say I\u2019m filled with love for every member of my own extended family \u2013 much less every Jew \u2013 much less every human. Rabbi Shishler recently quipped that we are meant to love people we don\u2019t even know \u2013 but of course those are the easiest ones to love! What is the Torah expecting of us anyway?<\/p>\n First, I decided to ask a rabbi how exactly we are meant to love people we don\u2019t even like. Rabbi Levi Avtzon kicked the discussion off by explaining that we first need to define the word ahava \u2013 what we commonly translate as love. \u201cThere are different types of relationships, each needing a different degree of love.\u201d We cannot simplify love as a warm fuzzy feeling in our heart. \u201cThe word ahava comes from the root word \u2018hav\u2019 which means to give. Hashem expects us to be givers. But should we give the same amount of ourselves to every person? Definitely not \u2013 that would be completely inappropriate. A lot can go wrong in relationships when we give too much, or too soon, to the wrong person. The right balance of chesed (kindness) and gevura (discipline\/boundaries) is essential. The Rambam explains the hierarchy that we follow when giving tzedakah: first to our family, then to the poor of our community, then to the poor of our city, and so on. This shows us that there are degrees of giving. We don\u2019t give the same amount to everyone.\u201d This is particularly true when it comes to physical affection and emotional intimacy \u2013 which is certainly not recommended for every relationship \u2013 especially between the genders.<\/p>\n Rabbi Avtzon\u2019s answer got me thinking about how often we fail to upgrade our Jewish knowledge as we grow older. When it comes to such fundamental principles of Torah, why do we remain content with definitions we learned in primary school instead of delving deeper into the infinite wellspring that is Torah, by listening in on a conversation by our people\u2019s greatest minds which has spanned thousands of years? What other simplistic ideas formed in nursery school might we be walking around with that deserve to be relooked at, redefined, and delved into far deeper? Isn\u2019t this worth contemplating and finding one thing to learn in more depth?<\/p>\n That said, I recall a cute little poem by Robert Fulgham I saw years ago called All I Really Need to Know I Learned in Kindergarten<\/em>, and it\u2019s amazing how some things never get old. \u201cShare everything. Play fair. Don\u2019t hit people. Put things back where you found them. Clean up your own mess. Don\u2019t take things that aren\u2019t yours. Say you\u2019re sorry when you hurt somebody\u2026\u201d You\u2019ll note, however, that the poem covers our behaviour, not our inner feelings. Along with the Torah\u2019s multitude of laws \u2018between man and man\u2019 (41 of which are directly related to \u201cve\u2019ahavta lere\u2019acha kamocha\u201d[2]<\/a><\/sup><\/sup>) we are commanded to feel certain things: to love Hashem, to love people, not to hate our fellow in our heart, and many other requirements. So external actions are critical, but there is so much more to the story \u2013 there\u2019s the inner life. \u201cThese are the duties of the heart,\u201d explains Rabbi Avtzon \u2013 referencing a thousand year old text by Rabbeinu Bachya ibn Pekuda who describes these emotions and sentiments as the very heart of everything our limbs perform. \u201cI don\u2019t believe the Torah is asking us not to have the initial feeling \u2013 these are impulses from deep within and we have little to no control over them. It\u2019s what we do after<\/em> the initial thought and feeling that counts. Do we indulge and nurture the negative thought or feeling, or do we take it in a new, more wholesome direction? That is where our free choice lies. As Viktor Frankl put it, between stimulus and response there is a space \u2013 and therein lies our freedom. So someone hurt us, intentionally or unintentionally, do we allow this to become a full-blown farible<\/em>?\u201d Rabbi Avtzon believes that farible<\/em> is an innocuous Yiddish word that we, as South African Jews, have turned into a movement! \u201cWe\u2019ve made it a noun, a verb, an adjective. We\u2019ve given it too much power.\u201d<\/p>\n So, when the Torah tells us not to hate our fellow in our heart, it is saying: talk about your issues \u2013 in a constructive, respectful, private way \u2013 to genuinely make peace. Don\u2019t let it fester, don\u2019t let it define the person with whom you are \u2018faribled\u2019. \u201cA human being is so much more than his or her behaviour \u2013 especially his reaction in one context or incident. We would not want Hashem to judge us by that criteria, so can we push past our initial impulse to a kinder, more generous response? Can we separate someone\u2019s behaviour from their essence?\u201d asks Rabbi Avtzon.<\/p>\n At our core, we are each a uniquely beautiful and infinite piece of G-d on High. The challenge is to see through the external and try to give to each other because, essentially, we are one people, one body, and one with G-d. \u201cThis does not mean tolerating abuse, or being naive,\u201d Rabbi Avtzon qualifies. \u201cTo paraphrase the Talmud[3]<\/a><\/sup><\/sup>: \u201crespect and suspect.\u201d This means keep your eyes open and don\u2019t be a doormat \u2013 but still find a way to give, to extend yourself, for the sake of the G-dly soul that lies beneath that exterior. \u201cPerhaps a fellow Jew is in prison for crimes he has committed, we can still give him a siddur and kosher food. We are not expected to turn a blind eye and endanger ourselves, only to see more than what meets the eye and respond by giving in whatever way is appropriate. That is Ahavas Yisrael.\u201d<\/p>\n Rabbi Yehuda Leib Alter, the Gerrer Rebbe, known by the title of his main work the Sfas Emes, brings another nuance to the discussion[4]<\/a><\/sup><\/sup>. He explains that since it is obviously impossible to command someone to feel something they don\u2019t \u2013 therefore it must be that naturally we do<\/em> feel the emotions Hashem has commanded. Our duty, then, is to uncover this essential truth, and live in alignment with our deepest truth: that we are one. The Days of Awe help activate this core of who we are. As we stand together before G-d on the Day of Judgement, externals fall away \u2013 we are one great congregation bowing before the King of Kings, asking Him to see our souls, our goodness, our potential. As we become conscious that we are truly undeserving of Hashem\u2019s blessings, appealing to his attribute of mercy, we need to remember to afford that same grace to our fellow Jews, and see them in the way we would like to be seen.<\/p>\n As Jews, we must constantly be developing our x-ray vision, looking beneath life\u2019s glittering or tarnished surfaces to what is real and true. The Sages of the Mishnah teach that a person must work on having a good eye and a good heart.[5]<\/a><\/sup><\/sup> To get more answers, I sat down with my friend and teacher, Brigitte Youngworth, to explore how to do just that. \u201cOur life\u2019s journey is about growing our self-awareness,\u201d she explained. \u201cSo much of what poisons relationships comes from within us, from conclusions we jump to, or from our own perception of things. It\u2019s so important to challenge our take on things and wonder if there might be another way of interpreting events. Rabbi Twerski also teaches that the key to harmonious relationships is self-esteem,\u201d she says. \u201cThe great sage Rav used to run after people who had wronged him \u2013 and try to make peace. You can only do that if you feel whole inside, if you can leave your ego behind and pursue peace and unity. We are all so different! We learn that there are 70 faces to the Torah. We can be more tolerant, we can celebrate differences \u2013 Hashem certainly does!\u201d<\/p>\n Rabbi Avtzon also touched on this, pointing out that even at our people\u2019s inception there was never one path. \u201cThere were 12 sons, who became 12 tribes, who travelled 12 different paths while crossing the Yam Suf! We were always different! There was never a stage in Jewish history when we were all the same. But we weren\u2019t threatened by diversity. We celebrated it! As an aside, this is why I\u2019m a believer in big community shuls. To be part of such a community is to meet people of every stage and age, of many different levels of observance, and the cross-spectrum of socio-economic standards of living.<\/p>\n \u201cYes, there are many small shuls and shtibels all over Joburg which attract large swaths of the Jewish community, but they should never replace the big shul model. You see, a small shul is usually niche and boutique as it caters to a small group of people with similar interests, ages, and levels of observance. The big shul, however, is a one-stop shop giant hypermarket. It is a place for everyone. We meet people different to us; we compromise on our niche demands and expectations for the sake of the wider community. We celebrate diversity rather than merely tolerate it. It\u2019s a place where grandchildren and grandparents sit together in shul. We need to squeeze in and fit together. We need to embrace and respect our differences, not create smaller and smaller niches where everyone thinks the same. G-d is not a radical. No one has the monopoly on the one way to serve Him. We each have something to give to each other,\u201d he argues.<\/p>\n The Baal Shem Tov taught that the negative we see in others is a mirror of the negativity within ourselves. It shows us where our<\/em> work is. We are only seeing these flaws because they lie within us. It follows, then, that the more good we see in ourselves, the more we will see this reflected in our friends, family, and even strangers. \u201cBut relationships are hard, there are no easy answers, and it takes humility to navigate misunderstandings or negative judgements and look first and foremost within ourselves,\u201d says Brigitte. \u201cWhat I personally find helpful may seem counterintuitive: I pray for people that have hurt me or who I see as a threat in some way. When I ask Hashem to help and bless them, when I dig deep and really wish them well, it softens and diffuses negative feelings. Try it!\u201d The Torah also tells us not to bear a grudge, not to take revenge, and not to judge a person until you have stood in his place. As they say, don\u2019t judge someone until you have walked a mile in their shoes because that way you\u2019ll be a mile away and you\u2019ll have their shoes!<\/p>\n Thankfully, not every aspect of Ahavas Yisrael is such hard work! There are small wins to be had. \u201cSmile at people!\u201d Brigitte suggests. \u201cI know it can be hard sometimes, especially when you get a cool reception, but it is so important.\u201d We learn that Rabbi Yochanan ben Zakkai, the greatest Sage and leader of his time, always made sure to greet people before they greeted him. Rav Eliyahu Dessler also points out that it was Shammai \u2013 the Sage associated with his stricter approach to Jewish law \u2013 who taught that we should greet people with a smiling face[6]<\/a><\/sup><\/sup> – not Hillel, who as we saw above taught us so much above love for each other.[7]<\/a><\/sup><\/sup> Rav Dessler explains that this teaches that it is an obligation to smile at others and one who doesn\u2019t return the greeting is called a thief \u2013 he has stolen his fellow\u2019s self-worth!<\/p>\n At the heart of giving to each other is giving life\u2019s most valuable currency: time. Take a minute to smile, to acknowledge a fellow human being, and affirm his or her worth, which is infinitely precious because he or she is in the image of G-d. The Talmud elaborates on the number of blessings one receives when he gives charity: \u201cRebbi Yitzchak says, \u2018One who gives a coin to a poor person is blessed with six blessings and one who speaks kindly to him [whilst giving the coin] is blessed with [an additional] eleven blessings.\u201d But you\u2019ll notice the maths is totally off! Why more blessings for the kind words than for the money the poor person desperately needs? Rabbi Chaim Friedlander, mashgiach of the Ponevezh Yeshiva, called by his sefer Sifsei Chaim, explains[8]<\/a><\/sup><\/sup> that what people want most is for others to show an interest and care. A smile, kind words, warmth, and showing an interest nourish far more than bread alone. Our primary need is to be seen, and that\u2019s why doing this for another carries more blessing.<\/p>\n \u2018Seeing each other\u2019 is a message that Mom of Boys<\/em> author, influencer, and community activist, Casey Shevel, is passionate about sharing. \u201cI believe so strongly in acknowledging and celebrating each other that I decided to write a book as an excuse to get up in front of women and talk about it!\u201d she admits. \u201cOften what stands in the way of this is jealousy. We see so much more of each other\u2019s lives these days \u2013 more than ever before \u2013 it\u2019s plastered all over social media. But it doesn\u2019t always bring out the best in us. The first problem is that it\u2019s all the glitz and glamour and holiday pics and none of the real daily struggles we all experience. So people are comparing themselves to something that doesn\u2019t even exist. But secondly, it\u2019s only good for me if you are shining your light! We are all given a piece of the world to perfect and complete. It\u2019s a tiny piece of Hashem\u2019s giant puzzle that we get to shape and bring to life in vivid colour. We are each given everything we need to accomplish this: the car, the house, the husband, the job, the looks, the job, and the talent. If we don\u2019t have these things, it\u2019s because we do not need them. The puzzle is only complete when every piece shows up, when your sides are smooth and fit perfectly into mine. And like a puzzle, no matter how magnificent the big picture is, even one missing piece spoils it. So, I do everything I can to be real, to share my journey without glossing over what\u2019s ugly and difficult. That way we draw strength from each other and are brave enough to be vulnerable and ask for help. It gives permission to everyone else to not be perfect, but to keep shining their unique, beautiful, gorgeous light.\u201d<\/p>\n In her book, Mom of Boys<\/em>, Casey shares hilarious anecdotes with surprising depth, like how we can be each other\u2019s cheerleaders, notice each other\u2019s pain, and give what we can to add joy to another person\u2019s journey. \u201cSometimes I think I\u2019m too aware of the suffering in this world. I lie awake at night worrying about people and I\u2019m pretty sure no one is having a sleepless night over me,\u201d she laughs. But isn\u2019t this deep empathy the ultimate secret of Ahavas Yisrael? No one can possibly love someone like they love themselves \u2013 and how many people do love themselves? But everyone can imagine themselves in their friend\u2019s place, and what that might feel like.<\/p>\n This ability to empathise is what drives Casey\u2019s multitude of chesed projects, from her matchmaking mission (she\u2019s made 17 shidduchim!), to her singles events, to her Give a Damn campaign that raised R140 000 last year for families in need of Pesach essentials. It\u2019s why last Rosh Hashanah she opened up a free pop-up store in a magnificent Morningside home, where women got to choose brand new clothing, be pampered and spoiled, and walk into shul feeling like queens. It\u2019s why she produced beautiful new tablecloths for families in need last Rosh Hashanah which were included in Yad Aharon\u2019s Yom Tov hampers. \u201cI know what it\u2019s like to hide a tear or a stain with a plate or a fork, and I wanted to ensure every family had a beautiful Yom Tov table they could be proud of,\u201d she explains. \u201cYou\u2019ve got to keep your eyes open, notice the people around you, and give. Don\u2019t worry about what happens next, it\u2019s enough to have brought a smile to someone\u2019s face.\u201d<\/p>\n The Days of Awe, where we get back in touch with the part of us that is one with everyone else and is a literal piece of Hashem, culminate in the joyous celebration of Sukkos and Simchas Torah. One of the central themes of Sukkos is of Jewish unity. No matter his or her socio-economic standing, level of religious observance, or Torah knowledge, a Jew steps inside the sukkah and is equal to everyone else there \u2013 encompassed by the mitzvah to dwell in the sukkah. Then we take the four species \u2013 lulav (palm), esrog (citron), hadassim (myrles), and aravos (willows) \u2013 and wave them together. The midrash[9]<\/a><\/sup><\/sup> tells us that these four kinds represent four types of Jews, and the mitzvah can only be done with all four present and accounted for. The Lubavitcher Rebbe, Rabbi Menachem Mendel Schneerson, explains[10]<\/a><\/sup><\/sup> that an esrog is fragrant and has a good taste, like the Jew who learns Torah and does mitzvos. Torah is represented by taste, because of the pleasure we experience in learning it. Mitzvos represent fragrance because, like a beautiful smell is appealing but not filling, mitzvos are not as directly satisfying, and sometimes we do them without tasting their goodness. But even this paragon Jew is incomplete with others! And more than that, like an esrog that grows on the tree all year round, this Jew must actively grow and learn from every season, from every person he encounters. As the Mishnah teaches: Who is wise? He who learns from every person.[11]<\/a><\/sup><\/sup> The lulav comes from a palm whose fruit has a taste but no fragrance, like a Jew who learns much Torah but doesn\u2019t do mitzvos. It\u2019s important to note that the analogy is not absolute \u2013 no Jew has no mitzvos! \u201cThe sinners of Israel are as full of mitzvos as a pomegranate [is full of seeds].\u201d Rather we are talking about what area they focus on.<\/p>\n The myrtle has a pleasant fragrance but no taste, like one who performs mitzvos but doesn\u2019t study, and the willow has neither taste nor fragrance. All four species are essential to complete the mitzvah. And the theme of unity (and botany lesson) goes even further. A lulav may be used for the mitzvah only if its leaves are bound together. The only species of myrtle that may be used for the mitzvah is that which has successive rows of three leaves each. In each row, the three leaves must be level with each other, with no leaf significantly higher or lower than another! The species of willow used also expresses the concept of unity, since it grows in bunches.<\/p>\n Thus, the message is clear and compelling. The way to begin the New Year is sitting side by side in a sukkah with our fellow Jews \u2013 no matter who they are. The way to truly connect to our Father in Heaven is to dance together with His children on Simchas Torah, celebrating our different gifts, seeing each other\u2019s pain, and giving of ourselves in some small way to lighten their load.<\/p>\n How to win friends and be nice to people By: Paula Levin Starting the New Year on a blank slate is such a lovely thought \u2013 all our past misdeeds erased by the atonement of Yom Kippur. But did you know there\u2019s a teeny, tiny disclaimer in the fineprint? Hashem is willing to let bygones be bygones \u2013 at least, where He is concerned \u2013 but He doesn\u2019t speak for our fellow man. Those we have wronged, those who have wronged us \u2013 we have to do the hard work…<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":6,"featured_media":3806,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[77,82],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-3805","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-77","category-september-2022"],"gutentor_comment":0,"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.jewishlife.co.za\/new\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/3805","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.jewishlife.co.za\/new\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.jewishlife.co.za\/new\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.jewishlife.co.za\/new\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/6"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.jewishlife.co.za\/new\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=3805"}],"version-history":[{"count":1,"href":"https:\/\/www.jewishlife.co.za\/new\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/3805\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":3807,"href":"https:\/\/www.jewishlife.co.za\/new\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/3805\/revisions\/3807"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.jewishlife.co.za\/new\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/3806"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.jewishlife.co.za\/new\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=3805"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.jewishlife.co.za\/new\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=3805"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.jewishlife.co.za\/new\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=3805"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}\n
From an essay by Rabbi Lord Jonathan Sacks zt'll<\/pre>\n
Rabbi Israel of Rizhin (1796-1850) once asked a student how many sections there were in the Shulchan Aruch. The student replied, \u201cFour.\u201d \u201cWhat,\u201d asked the Rizhiner, \u201cdo you know about the fifth section?\u201d \u201cBut there is no fifth section,\u201d said the student. \u201cThere is,\u201d said the Rizhiner. \u201cIt says: always treat a person like a mensch.\u201d\n\nThe fifth section of the code of law is the conduct that cannot be reduced to law.<\/pre>\n<\/blockquote>\n
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