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New Year resolutions are notoriously difficult to stick to. Even we only half believe ourselves when committing to changing something about our lives. Every year, Rosh Hashanah offers us a fresh start and a blank slate, to turn over a new leaf, start a new chapter, and create lasting change \u2013 if we harness its power. To help unpack the spiritual science behind the change it offers, we spoke to experts in personal transformation: Ra\u2019anana-based master mindset life coach Andi Saitowitz, and life coach and rebbetzin of HaMaor, Sterna Wineberg. Then, we spoke to someone who has reinvented herself not once \u2013 but twice. Warning, this article could change your life!<\/em><\/p>\n Rosh Hashanah \u2013 discovering our purpose, transforming our mindset <\/strong><\/p>\n The calendar reads August 2021 in the second year of a global pandemic. It may be nearly spring in sunny South Africa but nothing much feels new and hopeful. The Jewish calendar announces a new year, but will it be same ol\u2019 same ol\u2019, same stress, different day? Will we mark this event with a mindless bite of apple dipped in honey or can we harness Judaism\u2019s secret formula for true change \u2013 the visceral experience of Rosh Hashanah and the 10 days of return to our essence and Source, culminating in Yom Kippur?<\/p>\n I had already lived through about 35 Rosh Hashanahs and Yom Kippurs when I first heard the question posed: Why are we judged before<\/em> we have repented? The order of these festivals is utterly perplexing, and yet I had never given it a second\u2019s thought. First comes Rosh Hashanah, also known as the Day of Judgement (Yom Hadin) \u2013 where we pray that our names are inscribed in the Book of Life and where G-d assigns our sustenance for the year. Yet, on this day, we don\u2019t even mention our sins or ask for forgiveness! We don\u2019t pray for our personal needs and sustenance. (That\u2019s actually why we eat the \u2018simanim\u2019, the traditional foods of Rosh Hashanah, like apples dipped in honey. It\u2019s only at the first festive meal that we sneak in some personal requests like the \u201cyehi razton\u201d we say as we dip the apple in the honey: May it be Your will our G-d and the G-d of our forefathers that You renew for us a good and sweet new year.) So, what on earth are we doing for all those hours at shul while every soul passes before G-d like sheep passing before their shepherd? Ten days later, we spend the day fasting, confessing, and hoping for atonement. Isn\u2019t that a bit late? Has the horse not bolted, has the ship not already set sail? I\u2019ll never forget the answer Chief Rabbi Warren Goldstein gave, after articulating this obvious yet overlooked question. He said that doing teshuva on Rosh Hashanah would be like rearranging the deckchairs on the Titanic. This apparent reversal of logical order has some very deep implications for how to achieve personal transformation, how to stick to our resolutions, and how to start a new chapter and a new year that\u2019s truly new.<\/p>\n Andi Saitowitz is an NLP master practitioner and life coach who works with corporates and individuals in facilitating change. She says that 80% of change is driven by our subconscious, and this is where self-limiting beliefs can wreak havoc on even the best plans. \u201cIf we don\u2019t truly believe transformation is possible, if we are sabotaging ourselves with negative self-talk, we will struggle to move forward. We have to work on our mindset \u2013 and this is ongoing work, it\u2019s a muscle that we consistently build, not a switch that we turn on once.\u201d It\u2019s helpful to work with a qualified life coach to become aware of the things we believe and the things we tell ourselves and to learn how to reframe and replace these unhelpful beliefs. \u201cAwareness is not enough. We are all aware that exercise is good for us, that drinking water is healthy. But awareness is not enough to start a daily practice,\u201d Andi says. \u201cA coach can help you effectively upgrade your thinking. For example, I might want to run three times a week but the first day it\u2019s cold or dark or rainy, I say to myself, \u2018This is too hard.\u2019 Upgrading this inner chatter doesn\u2019t mean telling yourself \u2018this is easy\u2019. It\u2019s not. To replace this thinking effectively, we might say: \u2018Anything that\u2019s worth it, is hard,\u2019 or: \u2018I can do hard.\u2019 Coaching helps bring into awareness how you talk to yourself and then gives you the tools to change that self-talk.\u201d<\/p>\n Another tool Andi uses in helping her clients with changing beliefs is finding evidence that contradicts the unhelpful thought. \u201cWhen I had to go back to work when my children were a few months old I felt like I was a bad mother,\u201d Andi confesses. \u201cI looked at this thought and reminded myself that when I am with my children, I am three million percent present. It\u2019s really important not to believe everything we think. Create an opening for doubt. Challenge your beliefs. Ask yourself (as life-coach and author Martha Beck points out): \u2018Are these even my own thoughts?\u2019 Sometimes our thoughts and beliefs are not our own! They are something someone said that we incorporated into our self-talk. So, notice how you talk to yourself \u2013 it matters. And if you can, get some help with upgrading your thinking. So many of our thoughts that govern our performance and how we show up every day in our lives aren\u2019t necessarily true. We have the power to change them.\u201d<\/p>\n On a practical level, whatever change we seek to make in our lives has to be connected to our purpose and this is supported by our mindset. \u201cPurpose is the highest motivator for human beings,\u201d says Andi. \u201cThis is the reason behind the goal we are trying to achieve. So, for example, if our goal is to exercise five days a week, and we buy some brand new running shoes and awesome athleisure clothing we are excited to wear, this may motivate us for a few days \u2013 while they still feel new \u2013 but, again, when it\u2019s cold and dark and rainy, that\u2019s not enough to get us out of bed. For that, we need purpose. Purpose keeps our actions aligned with our goals and purpose must always be connected to our core values as human beings. In the running example, we may want to run to be fit and healthy so that we are energised to care for our families and show up fully in our lives. As beings of social interest, we are motivated by a desire to belong, a desire to be of service to others and to transcend ourselves. To make goals stick we must make sure they are connected to a deeper purpose. A life coach can help you articulate your purpose into a mantra that you can repeat daily. Then, get in a habit of asking yourself, \u201cIs this behaviour or thought getting me closer to the person I want to become or the life I want to be living?\u201d Andi assures that checking in like this is a wonderful way to keep your life aligned with your purpose.<\/p>\n But at a time of such loss and global uncertainty, many of us struggle with feelings of anxiety, pulled down by a voice that says we are helpless, that the situation may be hopeless, that there\u2019s too much water under the bridge, that we are victims of circumstance and that what we do doesn\u2019t matter. In society at large, there are those who say that our choices are a result of brain chemistry and biology, that we are products and victims of our individual life circumstances and our past \u2013 these are the determinists and the fatalists. These voices within ourselves (what Judaism calls our Yetzer Hara) and negative forces within society at large are hard at work to sabotage change, to hold us back and preserve the status quo. To vanquish them takes constant work on our mindset.<\/p>\n Sterna Wineberg is a life coach and rebbetzin at HaMaor and explains that negative beliefs impact our brains on a neurological level \u2013 as do positive ones. \u201cIn my work as a coach, I use the SCARF model created by David Rock who points out that every thought creates either a \u2018toward\u2019 or \u2018away\u2019 response. A thought like \u2018I don\u2019t matter\u2019 or \u2018what I do doesn\u2019t make any difference\u2019 will actually keep us stuck and inactive. Positive beliefs will physically energise and motivate us with a \u2018towards\u2019 response. It\u2019s up to us to challenge our negative beliefs and activate our \u2018towards\u2019 response if we truly want to create change in our lives.\u201d<\/p>\n Sterna explains that there are five areas of thinking we can work on to activate this \u2018toward feeling\u2019 that energises positive action. \u201cThe S of the word SCARF is about our Status as human beings,\u201d Sterna teaches. \u201cThe Torah places huge emphasis on the importance of each person with the Talmudic statement \u201cbishvili nivra haolam\u201d \u2013 that the world was created for me. The Rambam also teaches that one good deed done by one individual person can tip the scales of the entire world. We have to know how important each of us are to Hashem\u2019s plan for Creation and how much He loves each one of us.\u201d Again, this is not just \u2018nice to know\u2019, this knowledge literally has the power to energise and shape our actions as our brains produce this \u2018towards\u2019 response. What greater affirmation of our esteem in G-d\u2019s eyes than the fact that He examines our thoughts, speech, and actions? The fact that He has any interest at all in the affairs of man is testament to our potential greatness and Divine purpose as His partners. The fact that we are tasked with 613 commandments (and countless ways to perform them with consciousness and intent) is the ultimate affirmation of our status.<\/p>\n \u201cThe C stands for Certainty,\u201d Sterna continues. \u201cWhen we feel uncertain, we retreat in fear and inaction. The antidote to this is certainty. The Torah offers the Jewish People the certainty of our future redemption in countless prophecies. Instead of feeling like victims of uncertainty, we can invest in a mindset of faith and hope \u2013 emunah and bitachon.\u201d Sterna emphasises that shaping our mindset is something we need to be doing constantly \u2013 and especially in times of stability and ease. This is because when we are thrown into turmoil or trauma, our positive mindset, our faith, can carry us through. Our relationship with G-d needs constant tending and investment \u2013 through talking to Him (formal and informal prayer) and becoming closer to Him by valuing the things He values. A mindset of certainty in the bedrock of our faith can ground us and move us forward through even the greatest challenges and losses.<\/p>\n \u201cA is for Autonomy \u2013 our freedom to choose our circumstances. Human beings thrive when they feel they have control. I read about a study at an old age home where residents were given the choice over what they would eat \u2013 spaghetti or rice. This ability to choose boosted their cognitive functioning and they actually lived longer. Viktor Frankel taught the world something amazing. He said, \u201cBetween stimulus and response there is a space. In that space is our power to choose our response. In our response lies our growth and our freedom.\u201d So, while there is much beyond our control, we are always free to choose our thoughts, speech, and actions \u2013 this fundamental principle of Judaism is the basis of autonomy,\u201d Sterna explains. We are never victims of the past; we are always free to choose the way forward. Appreciating our autonomy is the very idea behind Rosh Hashanah and Yom Kippur \u2013 of starting a new year with the opportunity and innate ability to do things differently. Sterna is deeply inspired by her sister, Devoiry Halberstam, whose beloved son Ari was murdered in 1994 on the Brooklyn Bridge. \u201cDevoiry made the choice to make this world a better place in memory of her son. She was instrumental in co-founding the Jewish Children\u2019s Museum as a response to the anti-Semitism that took Ari\u2019s life. And she became a tireless activist against terrorism and hate crimes because she had experienced the tragedy of hate. What happened to Ari was beyond her control, but every day since then, she chooses her own response.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cR is for Relatedness which is essential to our growth as human beings. We can challenge our feelings of loneliness and isolation, especially in this pandemic, through connecting to our loved ones and to our communities. As Jewish people, we are never alone. It is a core value that we are in this together, that we are one nation with one heart. We can energise ourselves by reaching out to others and asking for help, or by offering help to those in need. The Shofar blown on Rosh Hashanah is a symbol of crying out for help. The Talmud tells of Rabbi Yochanan reaching out his hand and \u201clifting\u201d another man out of his illness. Later Rabbi Yochanan himself fell ill. But he could not use his powers to heal himself. Rabbi Yochanan explained, \u2018The prisoner cannot free himself from his cell.\u2019 We need each other and we need to be there for each other. As we come together to pray this Rosh Hashanah, we can be mobilised and motivated by giving and receiving support.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cThe F stands for Fairness. You often hear children crying that something is not fair and this is because they have a built-in desire for fairness. We all do. Justice is important to us and when we feel like events are random, we lose hope and courage. The Torah teaches us that nothing is random.\u201d The Rambam teaches that when bad things happen, it is an act of cruelty to say that there is no reason. Just because we don\u2019t understand Hashem\u2019s reason doesn\u2019t mean there is no reason. If we understood G-d, we would be G-d! So, while we might sometimes feel that events are random, meaningless, or accidental \u2013 the Torah offers us testimony to the purpose behind everything and G-d\u2019s fine-tuned providence over all that happens. Within the narratives and commentaries of the Torah we can learn the principles behind how Hashem runs the world, with goodness, justice, kindness, and mercy. Even when we don\u2019t know why things happen, we can trust in the fairness of the way He runs the world.<\/p>\n Rosh Hashanah is thus, first and foremost, a mindset shift. It\u2019s all about purpose, direction, and goals for achieving the changes we want to see in our lives. The details and strategies of how to do that \u2013 those come later. And this is the open secret behind all change: first, we need the will, the desire, and the mindset \u2013 start with the end in mind.<\/p>\n On Rosh Hashanah we crown G-d as King. What this practically means is that we spend the day reminding ourselves Who\u2019s in charge, and willingly giving our lives over to Him \u2013 as subjects crown a beloved King \u2013 not as helpless citizens of a dictatorship. We remind ourselves that we are not in control of the outcome, only of our choices. We connect to Hashem as both our Father and our King, reminding ourselves that He is good, He has a plan, He guides all of creation. By making our relationship with G-d real, by recognising Him as the Source of everything in our lives, we shape the mindset we need to become our best selves, to better serve Him by living our best lives. Author Simon Sinek titles his book on leadership \u2018Start with Why\u2019 \u2013 and, indeed, Rosh Hashanah answers our why in the deepest, most profound sense.<\/p>\n \u00a0<\/p>\n Nikki\u2019s story \u2013 a portrait of change<\/strong><\/p>\n They say you have two birthdays. The day you were born, and the day you discover why. Nikki has three. The first, the day she entered the world. But experimental drinking from age 15 led to full-blown alcoholism. While inebriated, she felt like she was the life and soul of the party, confident and funny. \u201cAlcohol was easily accessible and offered an instant escape,\u201d she shares. When her children started school, her drinking intensified. Soon, she was finishing a bottle of vodka by 7am, then driving her kids to school. \u201cI was a nasty, angry drunk. I did terrible things, like drive my kids and their friends around totally \u2018off my face\u2019,\u201d she confesses. Rock bottom wasn\u2019t landing in jail \u2013 it was when her ex-husband threatened to take away her three children, Lori, Adam, and Daniel. This was the sobering thought that began her journey to sobriety, but there were still setbacks and relapses. \u201cWe\u2019re masters of self-deception. And for a long time, I thought I was in control and could drink when I wanted to.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cThe day you stop drinking is a big deal in AA. It\u2019s your new birthday. I stopped drinking for good on the 6th of November, Adam\u2019s birthday 12 years ago.\u201d Rehab, her parent\u2019s unconditional love, and the support of her children, friends, family, and colleagues have helped Nikki maintain sobriety every day since. But two years ago she faced the biggest challenge of her life \u2013 it could have led straight back to addiction, to the ultimate escape from a reality too painful to face.<\/p>\n \u201cI spent Rosh Hashanah two years ago in hospital, by Adam\u2019s bedside.\u201d Adam was brain dead as a result of a car accident, and he passed away soon afterwards. \u201cHaving been sober for 10 years, I thought I was a transformed Nikki. But the transformation I have been through since Addy\u2019s death has been on another level. A huge part of recovery is accepting that we are powerless over our addiction and surrendering to a Higher Power. I don\u2019t know who I thought my Higher Power was. I didn\u2019t really understand what that meant. When Adam died, all I wanted was to die with him, but I didn\u2019t have that choice. A lot of people say they would die if they lost a child. I used to say that. But you don\u2019t, you have to find the strength to live. And I found that strength by discovering Hashem, by surrendering to Him. Because there was no way to escape the fact that there was something much bigger in charge of my life \u2013 that I was not in control. I never ask why. But I continue to hope that Adam\u2019s death was not a complete end.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cFor me,\u201d Nikki relates, \u201chis death started a journey towards something bigger than myself. Two weeks before he died, Lori got married. And her husband\u2019s family introduced me to some Jewish teachings on loss and mourning. They encouraged me gently and lovingly. I began to find comfort in Jewish practices that I had always been too lazy to embrace \u2013 like keeping Shabbos and kosher. And I found an endless supply of depth and significance in learning Torah. I\u2019m not trying to sound like a rebbetzin, this is just what happened when I started looking at life on a far deeper level \u2013 because I had to. That was my choice \u2013 to either be bitter and reject the spiritual, or to hope there\u2019s more. Adam was a King David boy who loved watching rugby with friends. I couldn\u2019t understand how he gave all that up every week to keep Shabbos. I used to walk him to shul and that was our time together. Now, as I walk to shul without him, I wish he knew that now I get it. Every Friday I set the table for myself and Daniel and I light the Shabbos candles and I look forward to a time that is beautiful and special and transformative.\u201d<\/p>\n \u00a0<\/p>\n Resolutions that stick<\/span><\/strong><\/p>\n If you\u2019ve articulated your purpose and changed your ship\u2019s direction \u2013 you\u2019re ready for the Ten Days of Repentance and Yom Kippur. Choose one, small, concrete goal you\u2019d like to achieve. Keep in mind that your actions are not who you are, they are where you are, and this can always change. This is why Yom Kippur comes after the mindset shift of Rosh Hashanah. With the knowledge of how important we are to Hashem\u2019s plan to drive us and how much our actions matter, we can start to make what Andi calls \u2018tiny tweaks\u2019 to our actions, for resolutions that stick. Make sure your goals are SMART:<\/em><\/p>\n \u00a0The spiritual root of change By: Paula Levin New Year resolutions are notoriously difficult to stick to. Even we only half believe ourselves when committing to changing something about our lives. Every year, Rosh Hashanah offers us a fresh start and a blank slate, to turn over a new leaf, start a new chapter, and create lasting change \u2013 if we harness its power. To help unpack the spiritual science behind the change it offers, we spoke to experts in personal transformation: Ra\u2019anana-based master mindset life coach Andi Saitowitz, and…<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":6,"featured_media":3128,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[69,75],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-3127","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-69","category-september-2021"],"gutentor_comment":0,"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.jewishlife.co.za\/new\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/3127","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.jewishlife.co.za\/new\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.jewishlife.co.za\/new\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.jewishlife.co.za\/new\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/6"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.jewishlife.co.za\/new\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=3127"}],"version-history":[{"count":3,"href":"https:\/\/www.jewishlife.co.za\/new\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/3127\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":3151,"href":"https:\/\/www.jewishlife.co.za\/new\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/3127\/revisions\/3151"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.jewishlife.co.za\/new\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/3128"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.jewishlife.co.za\/new\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=3127"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.jewishlife.co.za\/new\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=3127"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.jewishlife.co.za\/new\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=3127"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}\n