There is an emphasis today in the Jewish world on learning about loshen hara<\/em>, the laws related to proper speech, which include avoiding speaking slander, gossip, or in a derogatory manner about people. But there is another point that is even more important and fundamental than this. There is a general quality that\u2019s call shtikah<\/em>, silence, and not even necessarily from loshen hara<\/em>, but total silence, ie. holding one\u2019s tongue. When it comes to the things that a person says, there are those which are forbidden and those which are permitted, but there is still another ability by a person and that is the ability to be silent, to not say anything at all. And the truth is, the most beautiful moments in the history of the world involved incidents of silence.<\/p>\n The Midrash tells[1]<\/a><\/sup> us about what transpired at the time the Beis HaMikdash<\/em> (Temple) was destroyed, Avraham Avinu (our father), Yitzchak Avinu, Yaakov Avinu, and Moshe Rabbeinu all stepped forward to present arguments on behalf of the Jewish people, asking Hashem to have mercy on their children and not send them into exile, where the nations of the world would harm them and even kill them. Avraham argued that he had been willing, upon Hashem\u2019s instruction, to offer up his son, Yitzchak, as an olah<\/em> (a burnt offering) and Yitzchak argued that he had willingly gone through with it, allowing himself to be bound on top of the altar and even spread his neck under the knife. But, no matter what they said, Hashem would not budge.<\/p>\n And, so too, Yaakov and Moshe argued before Hashem on behalf of the Jewish people, but also to no avail. All seemed lost, until Rachel Imeinu (our mother) stepped forward and said:<\/p>\n \u201cMaster of the Universe, it is revealed before you that Yaakov, your servant, loved me and worked for my father for seven years to marry me. When he had completed those seven years and the time came to marry me, my father decided to switch my sister with me. This was very difficult for me because I became aware of what was happening. I told Yaakov and he gave me signs by which he could recognise between me and my sister, in order that my father could not switch us. <\/em><\/p>\n After that, I had mercy on my sister, and wanted to prevent her from being shamed. In the evening, they switched us and I gave my sister all the signs that Yaakov had given to me so that he would think that she was me. I did kindness with her; I wasn\u2019t jealous and I did not let her be embarrassed. Who am I? I am flesh and blood, dust and ashes. I was not jealous as a result of my pain and I did not embarrass or shame my sister. And You, the living and eternal King, who is merciful, why would You be jealous of idol worship<\/em> [one of the main sins of which the children of Israel were guilty], of which there is nothing real whatsoever, and exile my children and have them killed by the sword, and let their enemies do with them as they please?\u201d<\/em><\/p>\n <\/p>\n Rachel Imeinu was a prophetess[2]<\/a><\/sup> and she knew that the 12 tribes would come from Yaakov Avinu. She knew that all of the tribes were meant to be from her alone, as well as the Melech HaMashiach<\/em> (the Messiah). The entire future of the Jewish people was resting on this shidduch<\/em> between her and Yaakov. What about her sister, Leah? She was meant for Eisav. By allowing Leah to switch places with her, Rachel, in fact, gave to her sister the entire Jewish people, as Rachel expected that she would wind up with Eisav in place of her sister, Leah.<\/p>\n After Rachel finished speaking before Hashem, He immediately took pity and said, \u201cBecause of you, Rachel, I will return Israel to their place.\u201d And so Hashem said[3]<\/a><\/sup>, \u201c\u2026I hear a loud voice wailing and crying bitterly, Rachel cries for her children and she refuses to be comforted\u2026stop your voice from crying, your eyes from tears, because there is a reward for your actions\u2026there is hope for your future\u2026Your children will return to their border.\u201d<\/em><\/p>\n <\/p>\n Avraham comes and says to Hashem, \u201cFor nothing I withstood 10 tests?\u201d And Hashem answers, \u201cWhat can I do? Am Yisrael<\/em> has done many aveiros<\/em> (sins).\u201d Yitzchak comes and says, \u201cFor nothing I spread my neck to be shechted <\/em>(slaughtered)?\u201d And so too, Hashem gives him this same answer \u2013 and so also to Yaakov Avinu and to Moshe Rabbeinu. Not one of them was successful in saving Am Yisrael<\/em>. Until Rachel Imeinu came along. What, in fact, did Rachel do? She was silent! But this action of being silent blew up the world. She saw how the entire House of Israel would be taken from her, how her future was to be with Eisav. She saw terrible things, and, yet, what did she do? True, she also did wonderful things, but mainly, she was silent! This is the wondrous ability that\u2019s in a person \u2013 to restrain himself from speaking.<\/p>\n Putting on the brakes<\/strong><\/p>\n Everyone knows that the first rule of driving is: if the brakes don\u2019t work, don\u2019t get in the car. The brakes are the most important thing in the car. And, sometimes we need to put on the brakes even when the traffic light is green and we have the right of way. So too, sometimes we need to be silent even when it\u2019s permissible for us to speak and we have \u2018the right of way\u2019, so to speak.<\/p>\n What would Rachel have been doing wrong if she had revealed to Yaakov that she had given her sister, Leah, to him in her place? She wouldn\u2019t have been doing anything wrong; just the opposite, she would have been doing a mitzvah, as Yaakov Avinu had instructed her to guard the signs so that Leah would not be given to him and she would have fulfilled her word and her promise. Nevertheless, she didn\u2019t do so. Why? Because her sister would have been embarrassed.<\/p>\n The power to press the brakes is the power to be silent at the moment that we feel we must speak and must respond.<\/p>\n What was so great about the akeidah?<\/strong><\/p>\n What was the greatness of the akeidah<\/em> (the episode of the binding of Yitzchak in order to offer him as an offering as Hashem had instructed Avraham)? Avraham\u2019s willingness to shecht<\/em> (slaughter) his son? Hashem commanded Avraham to bring up his son as an olah<\/em>, was Avraham able to not shecht<\/em> him?<\/p>\n Our Sages reveal[4]<\/a><\/sup> to us the secret. At the end of the akeidah<\/em> it says, \u201cBy myself I swear, the word of Hashem\u2026\u201d[5]<\/a><\/sup> And Chazal say, what need was there to swear? Rabbi Bibi Bar Aba in the name of Rabbi Yochanan says: Avraham Avinu stood in prayer and supplication before Hashem and said to Him, \u201cMaster of the Universe, It is revealed and known before You, at the time You said to me to \u2018take your son, your only one\u2019[6]<\/a><\/sup>, there was in my heart what to answer You and there was in my heart what to say: \u201cYesterday You told me that [my descendants will come though Yitzchak][7]<\/a><\/sup>, and now You say to me, \u2018bring [Yitzchak] up there for a burnt offering\u2019[8]<\/a><\/sup> [ie. sacrifice your son from whom I previously told you that your descendants would issue!]?\u201d Just as I had what to answer You and conquered my inclination and I didn\u2019t reply, like a deaf person who does not hear, like a mute who does not open his mouth; so when it will be that the children of Yitzchak come to do aveiros<\/em> (sins) and evil deeds, it should be that You should remember for them the akeidas Yitzchak<\/em> (the binding of Isaac) of their father, and rise from Your throne of judgment and move to Your throne of mercy.\u201d<\/p>\n When Hashem commanded the akeidah<\/em>, Avraham could have said, \u201cMaster of the Universe, I\u2019m prepared to do it, but just explain to me something \u2013 just one small question: You promised me that from me will be built Am Yisrael<\/em>?!\u201d But Avraham Avinu didn\u2019t respond; he didn\u2019t ask questions; and he asked, in the merit of this, that Hashem would also not respond when Am Yisrael<\/em> would commit aveiros<\/em>. To ask from Hashem that He will forgive \u2013 that much Avraham wasn\u2019t able to do. How could he ask Hashem to forgive for aveiros<\/em>? Only this he asked: I closed my mouth \u2013 so too You, Master of the Universe, don\u2019t do anything, so to speak.<\/p>\n A deafening silence<\/strong><\/p>\n And this wasn\u2019t the first test of Avraham. Hashem commanded Avraham to \u201cLech lecha\u201d<\/em>, \u201cGo for yourself\u201d \u2013 to leave his home and travel far away to a foreign land. And this was an extremely difficult thing for Avraham to do. Avraham built his home in the city of Charan. He worked hard to cause all the men in that place to return in teshuva<\/em> (repentance) to Hashem and he still had much work to do. Hashem said to him, \u201cLech lecha\u201d<\/em>, to leave his home.<\/em> Hashem promised Avraham that everything would be good for him in his new place. What did Avraham do? He didn\u2019t ask questions, instead immediately it says, \u201cAnd Avraham went as Hashem told him to.\u201d[9]<\/a><\/sup> He left everything behind him and he went.<\/p>\n And still this isn\u2019t everything. In the end, Avraham made it to the land of Israel and, for the first time in the history of mankind, there was a famine in the world. There was nothing to eat. Avraham could have come and complained to Hashem and said, \u201cMaster of the Universe, You said to me to go to the land of Israel, and that there would be for me bracha<\/em> (blessing) and hatzlacha<\/em> (success) and all good. And now, I reach here, and I don\u2019t have what to eat. This has never happened before \u2013 it\u2019s the first time that the world lacks what to eat. What about the promise that You promised to me, Hashem?\u201d But Avraham didn\u2019t say a word!<\/p>\n And on all of this \u2013 on these episodes of deafening silence of the Avos<\/em> and Imahos<\/em> (of the patriarchs and matriarchs) \u2013 we live until today! Silence is everything.<\/p>\n Shhhh\u2026.<\/strong><\/p>\n In fact, the ability to remain silent is one of the middos<\/em> (character traits) of Hashem. Our Sages teach[10]<\/a><\/sup>, Aba Chanan says: Who is like You, O\u2019 Mighty G-d \u2013 who is mighty and hard like You, as You hear the cursing of the wicked and You remain silent. Bei Rebbe Yishmael teaches a similar lesson via a play on words: Who is like You among the gods? Who is like You among the mute? [The words being very similar (a difference of one letter): elim<\/em> (gods) vs ilmim <\/em>(mute).]<\/p>\n The gemara[11]<\/a><\/sup> teaches that man\u2019s occupation, the one skill that he is meant to occupy himself with learning and mastering in this world, is how to be silent like a mute. In our generation, we are focused on what is permitted and prohibited to say, but this isn\u2019t what\u2019s asked of us; what\u2019s asked of us is to master being silent like a mute.<\/p>\n Can we ever respond?<\/strong><\/p>\n So, the obvious question is: do we always need to remain silent or are we ever permitted to respond?<\/p>\n We find a great principle regarding this in the gemara. It\u2019s well known that the Talmud is full of machlokes<\/em> (argument) \u2013 Beis Shamai and Beis Hillel; Abaye and Rava; Rabbi Yochanan and Reish Lakish. Until today, there are no two talmidei chachomim<\/em> (Torah scholars) that have one opinion in Torah \u2013 and this is the beauty of the Torah.<\/p>\n But, this wasn\u2019t always the case.<\/p>\n Before the era of the famous Rabbis Shamai and Hillel, there was clarity in Torah and there wasn\u2019t machlokes<\/em>! The first machlokes <\/em>in Israel was between Shamai and Hillel regarding the law concerning leaning one\u2019s hands on an offering on Yom Tov \u2013 the issue was: did a person need to lean his hands on the offering or not?<\/p>\n The gemara says[12]<\/a><\/sup> that there was an incident with a student of Beis Hillel who brought his burnt offering to the courtyard of the Beis HaMikdash<\/em> in order to lean on it. He found a student there of Beis Shamai. This student of Beis Shamai said to him: \u201cMah zu semicha?\u201d<\/em> \u201cWhat is this leaning that you\u2019re doing?\u201d In other words, are you going to lean on that animal and transgress the ruling of Beis Shamai? Surely, we argue with you.<\/p>\n The student of Beis Hillel responded: \u201cMah zu shtika?\u201d<\/em> \u201cWhat is this silence?\u201d As Rashi explains, he was saying, \u201cYou should have been silent and you weren\u2019t silent.\u201d The student of Beis Hillel silenced the student of Beis Shamai with this rebuke and the student of Beis Shamai went away.<\/p>\n The gemara continues: Abaye said, therefore from here we learn, a Torah scholar, who has a colleague say something to him, should not answer that colleague back and add more than what his colleague had originally said to him, as we see from this incident that the one said, \u201cMah zu semicha?\u201d<\/em> and the other responded in the same language, \u201cMah zu shtika?\u201d<\/em><\/p>\n Avoiding the kitchen sink approach<\/strong><\/p>\n Sometimes there are situations where a person needs to respond, but there are two types of responses. There is a type of responding where someone does something to us and we limit our response to what was actually just done, but there is another type of responding where, instead of responding to the particular action that was just done, we go beyond the limits of the present incident and can\u2019t help but address more, perhaps even including everything that has ever transpired throughout our relationship with this person.<\/p>\n We all strive to be polite, but each of us has powerful feelings of anger hidden deep within him. We can\u2019t constantly cry out and get angry, so we wait for an occasion that gives us the opportunity to open our mouths and breach this dam of courtesy, causing all of the anger that has accumulated behind this dam to burst forth in destructive torrents.<\/p>\n When we respond to wrongs that have been done to us, our response is meant to be a measured one, in accordance with the wrong that was done to us. In other words, if someone wrongs us, so to speak, to the tune of two metres, then we can answer that person in this same amount. But, if because of this small wrong that was done, we will open our mouths and begin to speak disrespectfully about every pain that the person has ever caused us, lumping things together, and steamrolling the person with the entire history of the wrongs that he has done to us over the years \u2013 for this there is no allowance. This is where a person needs to toil to acquire the character trait of silence.<\/p>\n The student of Beis Shamai said, \u201cMah zu semicha?\u201d<\/em> In a situation like this, the student of Beis Hillel might have responded disrespectfully and said, \u201cYou know that you are destroying Am Yisrael<\/em> with your machlokes<\/em>! And not just today, but even a year ago!\u201d But, he didn\u2019t say so. He only said, \u201cMah zu shtika?\u201d<\/em> and nothing further. He measured his response precisely so as to address the wrong that had been done.<\/p>\n This is the rule that our Sages learn from here. It is sometimes permissible for us to respond, but we need to take care that our responses are not a generator of bad character traits, allowing things like anger to surface and reign without restraint, but rather precisely measured in accordance with what was done to us.<\/p>\n A practical example<\/strong><\/p>\n Let\u2019s imagine the following: a woman asks her husband to bring home some milk for their child. Because it\u2019s so important, she even reminds him a few times before he leaves the house and, perhaps, even throughout the day. Later that evening, the husband returns home and, as it turns out\u2026you guessed it\u2026he forgot to buy the milk. The shops are all closed and his wife will now have to go to the neighbours and ask to borrow some milk.<\/p>\n This is not the first time that this has happened between them. It happened yesterday and the day before that. It\u2019s irritating. Let\u2019s imagine the woman\u2019s reaction as her husband enters the house and his hands are empty:<\/p>\n \u201cWhat happened?\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cUmmm\u2026I forgot.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cHow could you forget?\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cSee, I was speaking with Ploni<\/em> and I wasn\u2019t paying attention and\u2026\u201d<\/p>\n In a situation like this, should she remain silent or is it permissible for her to respond?<\/p>\n Our approach needs to be like the words of the gemara.<\/p>\n If the woman is able to say only: \u201cWhy didn\u2019t you get the milk? You know that Yankel needs milk and that it\u2019s very important. I\u2019m asking you not to forget again.\u201d In other words, she gives a measured response according to what was done wrong. He did two metres of wrong and she returns to him two metres in response. If this is the form, then it\u2019s permissible and even a mitzvah to respond.<\/p>\n But, if he returns home without the milk and she instead pounces on him: \u201cYou always forget!\u201d And she begins to steamroll him with the entire history of his forgetting along with the other wrongs that he has done to her over the years, allowing the dam to burst, \u201cSince I met you, you have not thought of me even once!\u201d And on and on\u2026<\/p>\n And he, of course, will also have what to say in response to this outpouring from her. In a situation like this, this is not simply a response to the wrong that was done, but the bursting of a dam that holds behind it tremendous anger and the incident with the milk only causes a small opening, a hairline crack, which allows everything being held back by the damn to burst through it all at once. This is not a desirable response, but an expression and a generator of anger and other bad character traits.<\/p>\n Crying out in silence <\/strong><\/p>\n And this rule for responding applies to all relationships, not only between a husband and wife. Only when we are able to properly measure and respond in an appropriate, commensurate way is it ever appropriate for us to respond at all \u2013 to anyone. When we have something burning inside us that is trying to burst forth, in such a situation it is forbidden to respond and we need to hold ourselves back and learn to keep our mouths closed.<\/p>\n On this idea was said the well-known words of the Vilna Gaon: \u201cFor each and every moment that a man closes his mouth, he merits a hidden light that not even any angel or creation are able to imagine.\u201d Mastering control over one\u2019s mouth, being able to remain silent in the face of wrongs that are done to him is the greatest thing that a person is able to do \u2013 and this is the trait of Hashem \u2013 \u201ca thin, silent sound\u201d, as the Navi<\/em> (prophet) describes Hashem\u2019s appearance to Eliyahu HaNavi<\/em> (Elijah the prophet) \u2013 a crying out of silence.<\/p>\n Based on Rabbi Shimshon Dovid Pincus, ztz\u201dl, (Nefesh Chaya \u2013 Mi Chamocha Ba\u2019eilim Hashem)<\/em><\/strong><\/p>\n Sometimes the most important thing we can do with our mouth\u2026is close it By: Robert Sussman There is an emphasis today in the Jewish world on learning about loshen hara, the laws related to proper speech, which include avoiding speaking slander, gossip, or in a derogatory manner about people. But there is another point that is even more important and fundamental than this. There is a general quality that\u2019s call shtikah, silence, and not even necessarily from loshen hara, but total silence, ie. holding one\u2019s tongue. When it comes to…<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":6,"featured_media":1651,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[58],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-1638","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-september-2019"],"gutentor_comment":0,"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.jewishlife.co.za\/new\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1638","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.jewishlife.co.za\/new\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.jewishlife.co.za\/new\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.jewishlife.co.za\/new\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/6"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.jewishlife.co.za\/new\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=1638"}],"version-history":[{"count":1,"href":"https:\/\/www.jewishlife.co.za\/new\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1638\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":1639,"href":"https:\/\/www.jewishlife.co.za\/new\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1638\/revisions\/1639"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.jewishlife.co.za\/new\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/1651"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.jewishlife.co.za\/new\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=1638"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.jewishlife.co.za\/new\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=1638"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.jewishlife.co.za\/new\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=1638"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}\n